How Do I Get My Bridesmaid to Shave Her Hairy Armpits?!

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Hey Wedding Confessionals Gang!

My wedding is a few months away, and most of the big details have already been finalized – including the bridesmaids dresses.  They’re going to be a blue, strapless, with a sweetheart neckline.  It’s a dress that looks great on everyone, and (from what they’ve told me) all of my bridesmaids are happy.

So what’s the problem?  My sister.  She is one of my bridesmaids.  She also has recently returned from volunteering abroad and has changed a few of her lifestyles while she was away.  She’s now vegan (fine), only wears mineral based make up (whatever, I don’t care) and stopped shaving her armpits (gross).

The last thing I want is my sister’s hairy pits ruining the wedding photos I’m going to have for the rest of my life.  You may think I’m being dramatic, but my sister and I are both what they call “black Irish,” which means we have pale skin and LOTS of DARK hair…everywhere.

So how do I do it?  How do I convince my sister who’s been a hippy for a whole 5 seconds, to ditch her new “morals” and grab a razor?

– Hairless and Not Having It!

Bitch Session with Lauren & Erika: What should this Bride do about her sister’s pits?

Erika: For starters, Lauren, how do you feel about hairy armpits on ladies?

Lauren: We have been programmed to believe that women should be groomed a certain way to be considered a woman.  That’s just not true.  It’s her prerogative to have hairy pits.  Although I’m not a fan of looking at it, and hate to have a 5 o clock shadow under there, I can’t hate on the next woman for living her truth.

Erika: Right! I don’t mind hairy pits on a lady, but then again I don’t wear heels because fuck the patriarchy.  So maybe I’m not the most reasonable person to ask. But that being said…I’ve wore heels to every wedding I’ve been a part of because that’s what you do when you’re a bridesmaid.  It’s part of the deal.

Lauren: So you think the bride should ask her sister to shave it off?

Erika: I think the bride has every right to ask her sister to shave. Maybe she could offer to donate money to a vegan charity or something?  Just bribe that baby hippy!

Lauren: If bribing doesn’t work, maybe she could give the armpit hair a style? Curls or a cute braided style?

Erika: Yes! A nice cute armpit dreadlock.  But seriously, if the sister says no then the bride just has to suck it up and Photoshop the hell out of those pictures.

Lauren: If this sister refuses to shave, can she put all the bridesmaids in a cute cardigan, or those dressy half jackets would be perf!

Erika: Yeah!  And if that doesn’t work, then the brides needs to tell the DJ to cut all songs from the reception that make you throw your hands in the air.

Lauren: Wave em around like you just don’t care…that you have furry pits.

Erika: “No we will NOT be dancing the YMCA at this wedding. Clara knows why!”

Lauren: But for real, it’s so hard to make a rational decision about this because I haven’t gotten married yet, and I can’t tell how much of a bridezilla I will be.  If my sister came in with hairy pits, I would probably shave them in her sleep!  Or she will be demoted to audience member.

Erika: I mean, on a scale of 1 to 10 – 1 being not a big deal, 10 being horrible – I’m putting this at an 8.  This hippy is kind of being an asshole.  Armpit hair grows back quickly, but your sister only gets married once…or a couple of times. Shave your damn pits for your sister! If they’re really black Irish, her armpit hair will grow back by the end of the reception.

Lauren: I’m giving this a 5. There are plenty of worse things she could do…like her sister could be sleeping with the groom or opposing to your union in front of your closest friends n fam!

Erika: Good point! It’s not like the bride’s asking her sister to bleach her asshole. That would be too much. Perspective!

Lauren: Hahaha!  True!

Erika: So the big take away is shave your pits if the bride asks you to, and be thankful they didn’t mess with your butthole.

*****

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