Sparklers: Romantic or Safety Hazard?



I insisted that my sister have sparklers for the end of her wedding reception when her and the groom run to their limo.  I had them at my wedding, and the photos looked so cool!  She wasn’t too jazzed about the idea – she’s kind of scared of fireworks and doesn’t even light candles in her own home.  But I told her I’d pay for them, and she could thank me later when she also had great pics.  But then at the end of her wedding, they are dashing out to the limo…and one of the sparks hits her in the eye!  A trip to the ER and a lot of money later, my sister has some great pictures…of her wearing an eye patch on her honeymoon.  Her vision ended up being fine, but our relationship…not so much.

– Sister Who Is Seriously Sorry

Bitch Session: Was it crazy for this bride to have sparklers?  Is it nuts for anyone to have sparklers at their wedding?

Paul: For starters, I’m totally indifferent about sparklers at weddings.  They can be nice, but are in no way essential.

Erika:  I think it’s a very cute idea but totally unnecessary. Also it seems to aesthetically fall into that whole sort of steampunky look that everybody’s into lately. Think every bar you’ve been to in the last 10 years. So it could look dated in pics. Just sayin.

Paul:  Yeah, the groom definitely has a handle bar mustache and is wearing suspenders.

Erika:  Right!  But putting aside how we feel style wise about sparklers, I think this story is all about the hilariously terrible sister.

Paul:  I know!  It seems like the sister had only good intentions, but…BIG miss on this one. Just a tip from me: In regards to someone else’s wedding, before stating an opinion you need to say to yourself “Is this something I would like at my wedding OR something they would like at their wedding?”  Because those can be two very different things.

Erika:  Very zen, Paul.

Paul:  You know me, I’m extremely spiritual.


Erika: The bride doesn’t even light candles in her home! This is not someone who needs to be handling little sticks of angry fire.

Paul: Right!! She’s afraid of fireworks and probably wearing more fabric than she ever has before.

Erika: Use your head, girl!!

Paul: If this sister is hoping to repair the relationship, I think there is really only one avenue.  Just throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Take all responsibility, and swear to listen to what your sister wants for the rest of your life.

Erika: Let’s not let the bride totally off the hook. This is a presumably grown ass woman. She should have put her foot down with her sister in the first place! Paul, we should rewrite the script for this woman and her sister. I’ll be the sister and you can be the bride (you’re welcome). 

Paul: Hold on, let me get into character…<Straightens veil>…Okay, go!

Erika/Sister: Hey Sis, I know you think fire comes from the devil and you’re terrified of looking foolish on your big day, but how about live flames near your face as you run toward a moving car? IT’S WHAT I DID! 

Paul/Bride: No.

Erika/Sister: But it made made my wedding look like the inside of Katy Perry’s vagina. Don’t you want that for yourself?!

Paul/Bride: No. 

Erika/Sister: You know what? I’ll buy sparklers anyway in a passive aggressive bid to get my way. How does that sound?

Paul/Bride: If you bring sparklers to my wedding, I will have the wedding coordinator tackle you upon entry and lock you in the basement of the reception hall. NO MEANS NO!

Erika/Sister: Ok. I respect your firm decision and will no longer interfere. I’ll just save these sparklers for my kids’ birthday party, nothing could go wrong there.


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