Ladies and Gent! I’m getting married in July and overall I feel like I’ve been a pretty reasonable bride. I’m not stressed, yet, and feel as of now everything seems to be under control for the big day. Where I need some advice from you is after the wedding…the honeymoon. My husband and I are both young and chill and would like to spend a few days in Hawaii laying on the beach, but my parents have other ideas, as in insisting we take a cruise. We’ve politely tried to explain that’s not really us, and just short of us saying WE DON’T WANT IT, but they won’t hear any of it, because they think we’ll change our mind and love it once we’re there. Oh, did I mention they insist on paying for this cruise that we don’t want? I don’t want hurt feelings or fights before my wedding, but I also don’t want to be bullied into my own honeymoon. HELP please on how to navigate this delicate situation??!!
– Land Based Bride
BITCH SESSION: Should this bride go on a honeymoon she doesn’t want or miss the boat?
Brooke: Man, this Land Based Bride HAAAAAATES cruises. Pam, have you ever been on a cruise?
Pam: Nope, but I want to someday…when I’m much older #seniorcitizengoals
Brooke: My family went on a cruise the summer before I started 8th grade. I was too old to do any of the little kid stuff, so I was mostly bored the whole time. But I did get drunk off my ass playing bingo.
Pam: Wait. WHAT?!
Brooke: My mom dragged me to play bingo with her and a bunch of ladies. My mom was ordering all the drinks for the whole table while we played, and I guess she read the menu wrong. She thought she was getting me some virgin cocktail, but instead she was serving her underage daughter round after round of some sort of coconut rum fruity drink that I couldn’t tell there was booze in…until I REALLY COULD!
Pam: Haha! Oh my god! You were like 13 years old!
Brooke: Bingo has never been so fun! But you know what’s not fun? Being a middle schooler with a hang over on a boat. #barfinmybraces
Pam: That’s so gross.
Brooke: But I feel for this LBB. If you don’t like the cruising lifestyle – endless drinking, vegas style shows, buffet food – being stuck on a cruise ship will be awful.
Pam: Totally! And it’s not easy to tell your parents no, especially when it comes to a wedding gift. Maybe she should accept the gift, but rain check it for a later date?
Brooke: But that rain check will haunt you forever. If these parents are true cruise lovers, they will keep asking and asking and asking about when they’ll go.
Pam: But if they wait long enough, they can go if they have kids. I think cruises are like built in babysitters! Then mama can drink and not have to worry!
Brooke: That’s a solid point! Maybe it won’t be so bad if she’s in that phase in her life. But if she’s 100% not into the cruise thing for the long haul, I think she has two options:
1. Be real with your family about your disdain for cruises
2. Lie your ass off, and tell your parents that your husband-to-be gets sea sick
Pam: Or maybe LBB just goes on 2 honeymoons. Go to Hawaii and then get on the boat. I mean if it’s a 3 day cruise, how bad can it be?
Brooke: Another option is to flood your parent’s email inboxes with articles about cruises that have gone wrong.
Pam: Like the Titanic?!
Brooke: Hahaha! I was just thinking about when the toilets stop working or there’s some sort of E. coli break out. But yes, also send your parents a Blu Ray of Titanic. Who doesn’t love to stare at mid 90s Leo DiCaprio?
Pam: Oh! And fires on boats! That can happen! Great! Now, I don’t want to go on a cruise anymore!
Brooke: LBB, I think this all comes down to how honest you want to be with your parents. But you are an adult woman about to do a very grown up thing – get married! So now seems like a good time to step up your truth game. Fight for your right to party in Hawaii!
Pam: Agreed. Be honest with them. You’re about to be a married woman. You can handle having a heart to heart with your parents, and if it doesn’t go well…enjoy your cruise!
Brooke: Try the coconut rum drinks. They’re delicious!
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