Wedding Speech Dilemma: To Roast or to Toast?



My brother is getting married this summer.  Originally, I was told I would be giving a speech at the rehearsal dinner, which is going to be a pretty casual affair.  As the appointed “funny one” in the family, I’m taking this pretty seriously.  I planned a – in my humble opinion – hilarious presentation that includes one tiny jab at the bride and a slew of jokes at my brother’s expense, including the phrase “dry humping” and the f-bomb.

But now I’ve found out that things have changed, and I will be speaking at the reception.  This is a MUCH bigger, fancier affair with tons of people I don’t know.  I’m wondering if I should stick with the same speech, or go with something more boring in order to not offend anyone.

I know the bride’s got some conservative family members, but I’ve never met them so I don’t know HOW conservative they actually are.  Like, a Trump supporter still likes a fart joke, right?  But on the other hand, my family is expecting me to bring down the house and entertain everyone.

I don’t want anyone to get mad at me, but I also don’t want everyone falling asleep while I’m at the mic.  So what do I do?  Do I give my raunchy, fun speech or something straight laced?

-Funny But Frustrated

B*tch Session:  Should the speech stay dirty?  Or should it be classed up?

Jen: Can we just start out by saying we hear you Funny But Frustrated? The wedding speech struggle is real.

Paul: Agreed!  You are not wrong for wanting to think this through.

Jen: But let’s break down this question to it’s simplest form: Do you change your toast because of in-laws?

Paul: I have strong opinions about this, which mostly amount to NO.  You have exactly two people you need to worry about, and their names are Bride and Groom. In that order. (Unless this is a gay wedding. I don’t mean to be heteronormative.)

Jen: How dare you forget about the gay community, Paul!

Paul: I’m a terrible gay. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

Jen: Hahaha!  And to follow up with your opinion about who to worry about – I mostly agree with you.  Buttttt…I feel like we can land somewhere between Pablo Neruda and Bob Saget.

Paul: I see your point, but I also think who cares if weird, cult-y Aunt Lois is offended that you think poop jokes are the highest form of humor?  But if you need some limits, I think generally avoiding topics like Nazis, politics, abortions and graphic sexuality is for the best.

Jen: Yeah. I went to a wedding once where the best man started the toast with “_____ is an asshole.” And it just got worse. And while funny, it’s the only thing we remember about that wedding.

Paul: Yikes. Tough to climb up from that.

Jen: FBF, add that to my list: don’t call anyone an asshole.

Paul: But if you know you’re funny, FBF, go with your gut!  I’m funny, and I have killed every wedding toast I’ve given. Because I believed in myself.

Jen: Can we make a PSA about this?  “Believe in yourself and you WILL be funny!”

Paul: So to sum up…you do you, FBF.  Let your funny flag fly!

Jen: Also, know your audience! Maybe you save this speech for your new sister-in-law’s first Thanksgiving officially in your family.

Paul: True story: There is a toast that my brother wrote for my wedding that I still haven’t heard because my mother FORBADE him to give it. It wasn’t even Thanksgiving appropriate.

Jen: I like that your brother is bold.

Paul: But I respect that mother laid down the law.  My brother’s actual wedding speech was still hilarious, but no one passed out from the obvious vulgarity that was in his first draft.

Jen: I would consider that a successful wedding speech.

Paul: And when in doubt, FBF, let me assure you that EVERYONE loves fart jokes. It’s the great uniter of our time.

Jen: Adam Sandler made a career of it.

Paul: And who doesn’t want as much money as Adam Sandler?

Jen: Also. His Bulldogs. I bow down.

Paul: But don’t sacrifice humor for blandness. There’s nothing worse than a boring wedding toast.  You just sit there and think, “Why won’t you let me drink??”

Jen: Withholding alcohol? The worst offensive.

Paul: Yep!  Keep it under 3 minutes, FBF or you’ll ruin the whole evening.

Jen: Yeah, don’t call anyone an asshole in your speech, but also don’t BE an asshole and talk forever.

Paul: Don’t be that guy.

Jen: Lesson to learn from all of this: Don’t be an asshole, FBF.  Let the people drink!



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