That’s My Burrito!


I  was a bridesmaid in my cousins wedding.  The day of the wedding, the bride and all 8 bridesmaids got ready in a room down the hall from the atrium where they were to get married.   As per usual, everyone was running late and we realized no one had time to pick up food because everyone was in some sort of state of hair/makeup/spraytan/spanx prep.  So we ordered a bunch of burritos to be delivered to the venue.

When the burritos arrived, we realized that we didn’t want them in the room because it was filled with hair spray and spray tan.  (Somehow we were cool breathing that, but not eating it.  Wedding day hazes, they do wonders!)  The burrito guy was nice enough to set up the burritos in a nice little row on a table in the hallway.

About 30 minutes later, I snuck out into the hallway, and saw some random dude eating one of the burritos while rummaging through our chips.  RUDE!

I was like, “Uh, dude, those are not your burritos.”  He responded by taking a handful of chips and saying “Looks up for grabs to me.”  I was floored by this guy.  FLOORED!  I just stammered, “You’re literally stealing our lunch.”  He just shrugged, continued eating one of our burritos and started to walk down the hallway.

I tried to get one of the other girls to try to stop this guy, but by the time I got someone out of the room and into the hallway he was gone.

But don’t worry, I would see him later when I was walking down the aisle because he was at the altar. Yeah, the guy who ate my burrito was the minister who married my cousin.

I never had the heart to tell the bride that her minister was a burrito stealing douchebag.

-JG, 26 from Texas

B*tch Session:  If you were this burrito loving bridemaid, what would you do?

Pam: I’m sorry, what were you doing that you couldn’t run after the burrito burglar?  Why did you have to go get someone else?  Were you mid-spray tan? Or do you needed to carb up before running after this guy? 

Brooke: 10/10 would run after that guy.  That minister would have been at the altar with a black eye.  Don’t f*ck with my food!

Pam: And more importantly: a burrito before the wedding? I know it’s not just me who burps after eating burritos….am I? 

Brooke: You’re not wrong!  My friend who got married recently had a breakfast burrito and it was a HUGE mistake.  I won’t get into details, but let’s just say we were all happy it was an evening wedding so she had time to work that out!

Pam: Burritos before the wedding AND you choose an idiot to marry you?  Where was he from?  The Internet Church of Life?  If fear for this couple’s future because their decision making skills are TERRIBLE!

Brooke: I KNOW!!  Also, I would have called out that minister IMMEDIATELY!  Like if they had that “speak now or forever hold your peace” section, I’d be airing my grievances. 

Pam: Between you demanding a confession and the burrito gas, that would have been one loud ceremony! 

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And don’t worry, we’ll change the names and places to protect the innocent…and annoyed.
Your secret’s safe with us!


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